Have you ever said something when you were mad that you shouldn’t have said? Have you ever really spouted off to a sister or brother when something was bothering you? The latter has proved to be the worst.
I love Apple products to my very core and I think that iCloud is amazing. For those of you who don’t know, there is a feature that allows all my iMessages (texts to other apple products) to sync across all my devices. So if I send a text on my iPhone it automatically shows up on my MacBook as well as my iPad. This is a great feature for when I am flip flopping back and forth or want to text from my MacBook.
However, when venting in a text to Poo I said some horrible things that I shouldn’t have said and that I didn’t even mean. I know I didn’t mean them and Poo knows I didn’t mean the superficial comments I made but to a snooping O, they were devastating and painful. We are already at such a rocky point with my impending move to Manchester and this little debacle just made things worse. I got a text from O last night as he lay in a separate room that said, “You suck… I thought I loved you… I am not sure now… You are mean… Hateful… And that makes you ugly.” Needless to say that one stung. He was mad though and had had several drinks. So once again things were said out of anger and we both got hurt.
This is what I meant before when I said that I think perhaps we have hurt each other too badly. We need this upcoming time apart to learn to be friends again, to miss each other again, to appreciate the little things about one another that we have come to be annoyed by or come to take for granted. I don’t know if this trial separation will work. I don’t know if it will just make us continue to grow apart or if we really will discover how much we need and love each other. Any thoughts?
One thing I do know, when I get to Manchester I am not stepping out with anyone. I will not go to the bar without my brother Bubba as my chaperone and I will do no more than dance with another gentleman. I want to be on my own. That is the point. I want freedom to figure out who I am without having to be something else for O.
I have my appointment with my psychiatrist today to get off my Geodon. He probably will protest but I want off. I want my creative mind back. One thing O said in a text message to Messy when I was in Manchester last month was that I am different now than I used to be. I chalked it up to growing up. When O and I got together I was only 22 years old. I am about to turn 29. He was 44 and is now 50. There is a great deal of maturing that goes on between the ages of 22 and 29 and really not so drastically between 44 and 50. That’s my humble non-professional opinion. Still, may be it isn’t that though. May be it is that for the last four and a half to five years I have been taking a heavy dose of anti-psychotics. Like I said in an earlier post, I noticed that my creativity is lacking tremendously. When once I wrote poetry and drew portraits, now I struggle to even make a homemade birthday card. If that much has changed in me that I did notice, and such things so defining of my personality and being, then what other changes have taken place that have turned me into the numb monster I am today? Soon, we will find out. I should drop my dose down starting this evening and over the next month or two should completely wean off. It is going to be a rough ride but I can do it. I have to do it. I want my old self back. At least I think I do. This is not me and this is the first place I know to start to make changes.
My mother said something to me when I was in Manchester last month that also got me thinking about this Geodon situation. She said that I was more mature and independent when I was in my early 20s than I am now. So? I have gone backwards? Just fucking super!
I want to spend one last Valentine’s Day with O. Even though he said he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore, I want just one last good day. He gave me a promise ring on our first Valentine’s Day together and proposed on our 3rd. He expresses himself to me on that day and I just want one lasting memory of the good days. There is a tattoo expo on the 15th-17th that we are going to. It might be our last event together. We have always wanted Sammies tattoos, one for him that says “Volcano” and one for me that says “Tornado” from the Em and Rihanna song “I Love the Way You Lie” “I guess that’s what happens when a volcano meets a tornado.” It really is indicative of our styles. I show up out of nowhere and like a tornado destroy everything in my path. O is different. He stores his anger like boiling lava beneath the surface until one day he explodes and the whole town is destroyed. They will serve as excellent reminders for us each. I also hope to get my octopus tattoo during this expo. I hope I can find an artist I like and be able to get the appointments. I am going to show up right when they open Friday at 2pm. Wish me luck!
I think we need some real raw material from Psychedelia! Let’s see it P. Show us your teeth!